How to lose this girl (and probably any other girl with standards and creepy guy radar) in 7 days…

So, after my initial post, not what I intended…, I received several calls and text messages from guys I’ve either gone on a date with, dated briefly, or spent substantial time with in a legit relationship. I was, shall I say, quite surprised at their interest in my blog and initial post. A few of the guys wanted to know if I would, at some point, post something about them. I must say… It was very interesting to know so many “ghosts” of my past read my blog but also had an interest in being the subject of a post. It didn’t seem very manly-man like to want someone to write about what “went wrong” but I’m guessing it’s also flattering regardless of the content…

There was one guy, in particular, who wanted to know if my next blog would be about “our deteriorating friendship” which I found interesting, as I wouldn’t have considered us to be friends… Can you really consider someone a friend, or anything more, after a few days? I mean, we are adults, right? We aren’t in elementary school. I’m not looking for a buddy to hang with at recess. Hell, I’m not looking for a buddy…PERIOD! I’ve got plenty of those. Who wants to be stuck in the friend zone, that is …if you can get to the friend zone…. So, here’s to the guy who is “curious as to the demise of what seemed to be a pretty good friendship/relationship” and how my interaction with him went from “sugar to shit in little to no time” … Although “twas a wonderful couple of days” for you bud, it was, indeed, a freight train headed to the land of nowhere to me.

This, sir, is a just a short list (just 10 things, two are general and I’m pretty sure you would have totally done them in the second week) of all the things you may want to avoid in the future. Need closure? Here you go fella… Hope this helps!

Top 10 ways to lose a girl after 7 days…

10. Go overboard with the “no effort” look. Show up for your first date looking like you pulled your clothes out of the dryer and put them on… several days after the dryer cut off. Maybe it’s a little of the “I like my clothes to take on the shape they want as they hang from my body” attitude? Who knows… Here’s the thing, it’s important to bring your “A” game on the first date. You may want to think a little harder about that first impression. Know WHO you are going out with. A woman always gives great insight into who she is through conversation without trying… so listen up!! You’ll know if the “just rolled out of bed” look will work or not. Not all women are into the “I don’t bathe look” so do your homework. Clean yourself up.

9. Pull the Dr. Phil card. Don’t try to “fix” her. If she is talking to you about her life…mentions things she has gone through in the past, it doesn’t mean she need you to “Dr. Phil” her. She’s just talking for conversation sake!! She isn’t Robin (Dr. Phil’s wife), there is no audience, and she doesn’t intend on holding your hand after you’ve made a grand discovery about the obvious things going in her life. She certainly isn’t depending on you to “fix her life” or say something she hasn’t thought about… how can you? You just met. You don’t know her well enough to have an opinion on her life. Shut up.

8. Mention dollars and cents. Keep your penny pinching, beyond frugal, checking under the couch cushions for extra change ways to yourself. If you are cheap, don’t mention it. Although it initially makes for great conversation, a woman doesn’t want to hear a man talk about how he saves money on things like toilet paper and other random items. It’s not attractive. If the conversation was about how you negotiated the cost and associated fees of a major business transaction…that’s a different story. Again, know who you are talking to. Pinch those pennies when you are alone.

7. Suffocate her. If she says she’s busy, she’s busy… STOP TEXTING HER! A clingy man is ridiculously unattractive… creepy when you’ve been around less than a week. There’s nothing more annoying than a man who continues to ping a woman’s phone AFTER she replies and says she’s busy. YOU JUST MET!!! You’ve got no idea what she has going on in her life at any given moment. You aren’t privy to that information…you’ve only known her a few days. Whatever she’s told you at this point is just small talk. Give her a breather… Take a break… Let her have time to herself… If and when she wants to talk to you, she will let you know.

6. Repeat anything in numbers 10-7…

5. Be facetious. ALL. THE. TIME. Tie it up with nice little bow and announce that you are, indeed, being facetious when you are being facetious. It gets old…fast. Hiding behind poor humor is never a good thing. Asking a question in an obnoxious way to mask your real question is immature. If you want to know something, ask the damn question. Don’t be facetious and sarcastic to protect your feelings. Don’t ask a question by providing what you think is the answer. That’s only going to piss off the woman you are talking to. She’ll likely roll her eyes and give a lame response, if she says anything at all. Hey, you get what you ask for! Who wants to date the corny guy who’s always cracking borderline offensive jokes (which, are not funny 99.5% of the time), has to explain the joke (which, takes the funny out of any joke), and laughs at the joke as he tells it? I can laugh at the worst of ‘em… believe me I can… but not when it’s attached to sarcasm, facetiousness, and someone falling lower and lower on the likability meter. Know what is and isn’t appropriate for early conversations.

4. Read too much into her words. In the first 7 days, it’s way to soon to do that. If she says “I like you” she’s just saying you’ve got a toe in the friend zone. THAT’S ALL! Nothing more…nothing less… Don’t assume that translates into “I want to be in a relationship with you” or “I like you more than a friend” or “when are we getting married” because women are very specific. IF we really like you and want something more with you, you will know. She’s not gonna have to make an announcement. When in doubt, just ask her. Don’t go running to your boys giddy and full of assumptions because she says she likes you. That’s not going to go over well …especially when it gets back to her. No woman likes a man with a runny mouth. We had to deal with gossip girls in grade school; we don’t need a man in our life like that. Loose lips sink ships.

3. Send her creepy text messages. Don’t EVER send the following text message to a grown ass woman… and at 5:30am!!! “Wakey, wakey eggs and bacey” …(bacey, if you are wondering, is bacon) OK. When she sees a text message like that or one similar, it’s going to rub her the wrong way! 5:30 am is too damn early to text ANYONE some shit like that. Not to mention, someone who, with failed effort because of number 7 on this list, was avoiding you for day 5 and 6. It was creepy and borderline STALKERish … Perhaps it would have been sorta cute if you were in high school, maybe. Hmmmm… Let me think for a sec. Uh, no it would have been creepy then too. Coming from a man in his late 30’s in the first 7 days is cray cray. Let’s be real here… If a woman did something like that she would immediately get the psycho label… *side note – I actually forwarded that specific text on to just about all of my friends, male and female, and added WTFH at the end… Everyone, with the exception of my most “green and naïve” friend, thought the text was an early indication of my future 48 Hour Mystery episode. The title?? “Wakey, wakey. No more eggs, and bacey” Hahahaha!

2. Allow someone else to take over your date. People run into friends all the time when they are out. Running into friends doesn’t mean plans change. It’s normally a quick exchange and everyone goes on to do whatever it is they were gonna do prior to the run in. If you just stand there and chat without indicating you’ve got other plans, she’s gonna keep chatting. If she is more interested in standing outside talking to the people you run into instead of talking to you one-on-one…she’s lost interest. Her interest in the date AND you will fade the longer she is talking to other people because clearly they know how to keep her attention and you don’t.

and finally….. drumroll please… whatever you do, don’t EVER do this AGAIN…

1. Discuss the hourly rate for the rental you have to get to pick her up. If you don’t have a car and she’s willing to wing, don’t discuss the hourly rate for the zip car with her. It’s in poor taste. She doesn’t care. It’s the first date. She shouldn’t know you are concerned about the rate for the zip car. When the date is over, never put her in the position to have to walk around with you in search of an available zip car to take her home. It is, without a doubt, the WORST way to end any date…catastrophic on the first date. She could have caught a cab home in the time it took to walk around and watch you scan the barcode on the windshield to determine if one of the random zip cars parked on the street is available. Have a better plan, pal. OH!!! Don’t mention your plan to pick her up and drop of the car just so you can avoid that hourly rate. It’s gonna piss her off when she remembers as she walks around with you looking for a different car later in the evening. That $14/hour you have to pay for your pint-sized rental is a hell of a lot cheaper in comparison to the car payment she probably has. Suck it up! Man up!