…is it possible to have a transparent relationship? no lies. all honesty.

my mind is going nonstop! so, i figured i’d write something before i head out for the evening to clear some of my mind traffic so i can focus on how fantastic i’m going to look in my dress.  🙂  moving on…

a few weeks ago a dear friend of mine sent me the following text:

“hey. do you think you could handle a relationship where the guy was completely honest? Completely”

my response:

“absolutely. in all honesty, being lied to always hurts more than the truth…period”

i thought about his question more throughout my day.  i even asked several women the same question as well as a few male friends. i wanted to know what other people thought about a truly transparent relationship. i was actually very surprised at the responses. i assumed the men would want to know but the women wouldn’t.  Shockingly, the responses were completely opposite of my assumption.  none of the men i asked wanted to know.  NONE! the women, however, wanted to know and seemed to value transparency within a relationship much more than men.

the women weren’t interested in being lied to.  they said lies are an indication of disrespect.  i totally understood what they were saying.  respect is huge in relationships so a lie, regardless of how big, is a sign of disrespect. don’t get me wrong… a few women preferred to have a blind eye for the sake of their family and the thought of losing it.  some women even admitted that they had, indeed, been aware of infidelity in their marriage but kept the house running “business as usual” to avoid being lied to by their husband.  i asked them to elaborate and they said if they know and he lies, it would be hard to stay so they’d rather know to have control of the relationship.  i understood that as well.  basically, they are okay with living in a lie (oh yes! of course we’re totally happy) or having “something to use later” (yes, he’s my trainer but we have private sweat sessions after the workout) as a means of payback or a pass to cheat if they please at a later date.

there were also a few men who said they’d most definitely want to know everything regardless of the infraction to “save face” and figure out a way to address the situation.  most of the men i asked didn’t think their partner would cheat.  they actually thought it would be impossible.  two even said there’s no way their partner could lie to them about anything.  now i found that interesting to hear.  interesting because they all seemed to think dishonesty is the role of the man in the relationship.  OR that there’s no way a woman would EVER step outside of their relationship because they are just that great… LOL boy please!!

i was amazed at the dialogue. i was also very surprised at the responses from those close to me.  for example, the men who wouldn’t want to know were the men who would most likely be dishonest and “entertain” outside of their relationship. the conversations enlightened me. i realized, through those conversations, that many people, although they say they otherwise, don’t want to know the truth.

as for me… here’s what i really think about this question.

most people are too afraid to want to know what’s really going on in their relationships.  from my experience and the relationships i’ve been in, i know i’d rather know the truth.  yes, i’ve been on both ends.  i’ve been dishonest.  i’ve cheated. but i’ve also been lied to and, although never confirmed, cheated on as well.  i realize, as i’ve matured, that my instincts are very spot on so i generally know if something is up.  i know if i’m being lied to or if my partner is being deceptive.  i’m good like that.  what stings is when i KNOW, and ask, and he responds with a lie.  that’s not a good feeling…PERIOD!  it’s not a good feeling because i don’t want to accuse my partner of lying but knowing his denial is a lie is a horrible feeling.  i end up pissed, picking other fights, and very unpleasant to be around because now i’ve got to figure out how to move forward.  do i stay or do i go?  now, when i was the cheater, i’ve always carried out whatever i did without being noticed.  i don’t know if it’s because my game is that good or i’m very attentive so my partner will never think i’d talk to another man… for some reason, I am always viewed as the good girl who sits in the house and does crossword puzzles. i don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing but hey, i’m glad i didn’t have to explain myself.

i think at the end of the day, most people don’t want to know the truth of their relationship because they’ve created a truth they are comfortable with.  but what does that say about the validity of relationships?  does that mean we just stay to stay or we get in a relationship just to be a plus one?

i’m not sure but i’m definitely going to think about this more and come back to discuss further.

ok, gotta go get ready!  cheers to the freakin weekend!!!