Note: I like to post open letters from time to time. These letters are specifically for the individual and no one else.  The words in these letters are my most sincere feelings during my writing process.  Who knows how long I’ll actually feel what write…all I know is this is how I feel right now…today…in this moment.  Tomorrow, next week, next month…who knows. I just know that TODAY I felt the need to write this.  UmmmmKay?  Just saying…

Laugh-ter.

ˈlaftər/
noun. the act or sound of laughing

Laughter is the key to happiness. Let’s face it folks, if we didn’t laugh we’d all be miserable! Life can only be lived if there’s laughter. We’ve got to laugh through joy and pain…always looking for the silver lining. In our most darkest moments it’s memories of laughter and smiles that bring us back. If we are having a bad day, it only takes that one smile or sound of laughter to turn the day around. You know, like when you hear a baby or small child laugh? That sound makes everything bad disappear, right?! Of course it does! Now, why am I saying all this about laughter??? Well, because until recently I didn’t really understand just how powerful laughter, smiles, and happy people were. Not until I met a particular person who, unknowingly, was just right and right on time…

i know it’s been several minutes, hours, weeks, and months since my last post.  truth is… there’s a lot going on in my life.  i’ve got plenty to say and i will definitely share in the next coming weeks and months. …stay tuned!

first, i want to share this… for the last few months i contemplated moving out of my first home, getting a renter, and buying a second place.  i struggled with the thought of allowing someone, a stranger, to live in the one place i’ve lived in alone and belonging solely to me.

as i taped my final box and prepared for my last night in my first home i was overcome with a stream of emotions.  would he or she appreciate each piece of hardwood as i did?  would the unharmed walls remain immaculate?  would the pang of the heat or A/C turning on sound the same to him or her?  i doubt it but i had to let go of the thought of someone renting my place loving it as much as i have.  there is a ton of attachment to these walls.  this was MY VERY FIRST HOME!!

as i looked out of my bedroom door, i saw a sea of boxes covering my normally spotless, now cluttered home.  a true indication of the life i had and all I have done in the last 8 1/2 years. i walked in with a couch and a kitchen table. i realized i was leaving with a life i didn’t know i’d have… leaving as a respectable professional who worked her way up and has become someone’s boss.  i’m independent and focused.  i’ve got a great circle of friends.  i’ve acquired a strong support system with people i would have never thought would turn out to be my “go to gang” and i’ve maintained the most important friendships i’ve ever had…

There are so many memories in these walls… Good and bad

my mind is going nonstop! so, i figured i’d write something before i head out for the evening to clear some of my mind traffic so i can focus on how fantastic i’m going to look in my dress.  🙂  moving on…

a few weeks ago a dear friend of mine sent me the following text:

“hey. do you think you could handle a relationship where the guy was completely honest? Completely”

my response:

“absolutely. in all honesty, being lied to always hurts more than the truth…period”

i thought about his question more throughout my day.  i even asked several women the same question as well as a few male friends. i wanted to know what other people thought about a truly transparent relationship. i was actually very surprised at the responses. i assumed the men would want to know but the women wouldn’t.  Shockingly, the responses were completely opposite of my assumption.  none of the men i asked wanted to know.  NONE! the women, however, wanted to know and seemed to value transparency within a relationship much more than men.

I’m a communicator by fault. I think sometimes it has to do with the fact that at a very young age I was an actress. I was on a Broadway stage when I was told to become one with my feelings and emotions. I was told to embrace my feelings at any given moment to better understand how different emotions made me feel.  I had to learn to cry on demand.  I had to cry on stage during each performance. So, as I‘ve grown and matured into adulthood, I’ve realized that I’ve got a constant need for emotional awareness.  I always want everyone in my life, with importance, to know how I feel about them or a situation.  Granted, a lot of times my thoughts may be unsolicited or opinions but if something were to happen to me today, tomorrow, or the next day, everyone who is close to me will know exactly how I feel about them. Right now. Today. At this moment.  And, quite frankly, I find it calming to know that those who are closest to me will always know how I feel.  Good. Bad. Otherwise.   I’m saying this simply because I was talking to a great friend of mine yesterday, mommy to Faheed, who reminded me of the importance of me expressing myself.

I’ll be honest.  I’ve got a lot going on at the moment.  I feel trapped in my thoughts because of fear of overly expressing myself.  Fear of losing someone because I responded honestly when asked how I felt… It’s tough.  It’s extremely difficult for me because I lost my voice several years ago like a caged bird…

I allowed myself to become silent and numb.  I spent many days, nights, and hours locked in my thoughts with no way out.  I became miserable dreading each day as I fell deeper and deeper into my silence.  I lost myself because I didn’t want to hurt the person I was with.  I didn’t want to leave him despite my unhappiness.  I didn’t want to leave someone I cared about.  It was tormenting to my soul.  My spirit began to wilt each day. I was stuck in the motion of just going through the motions.  My life had become a sad journey.  Everyone around me had an opinion.  Everyone around me kept asking, “Why are you still with him?” or “What is wrong with you?”  No one understood that I was paralyzed in that moment.  That relationship made me so numb that I couldn’t move.  I really couldn’t.  I didn’t know how to anymore.  My voice was gone.  My heart was hollow.  He wasn’t a bad person but he was a sad person.  He drained all of my happiness… every second, every minute, every hour… until I was empty.

i have a great friend who, by every definition, is truly my best friend.  he means more to me than i will ever be able to express with words or actions. he has been in my life for over half of my life and has been around for all of the ebbs and flows…  he’s heard me cry (too many times to count), he’s heard me laugh uncontrollably, he’s seen my most sincere smile and heard my most protected thoughts.  i love him dearly because he has never judged me…even when i was wrong (which was often).  he always answered my call…even after i hung up on him (because i didn’t want to hear the truth).  he’s irreplaceable and i miss him when we go through growing pains and don’t speak for weeks or months…

So, after my initial post, not what I intended…, I received several calls and text messages from guys I’ve either gone on a date with, dated briefly, or spent substantial time with in a legit relationship. I was, shall I say, quite surprised at their interest in my blog and initial post. A few of the guys wanted to know if I would, at some point, post something about them. I must say… It was very interesting to know so many “ghosts” of my past read my blog but also had an interest in being the subject of a post. It didn’t seem very manly-man like to want someone to write about what “went wrong” but I’m guessing it’s also flattering regardless of the content…

There was one guy, in particular, who wanted to know if my next blog would be about “our deteriorating friendship” which I found interesting, as I wouldn’t have considered us to be friends… Can you really consider someone a friend, or anything more, after a few days? I mean, we are adults, right? We aren’t in elementary school. I’m not looking for a buddy to hang with at recess. Hell, I’m not looking for a buddy…PERIOD! I’ve got plenty of those. Who wants to be stuck in the friend zone, that is …if you can get to the friend zone…. So, here’s to the guy who is “curious as to the demise of what seemed to be a pretty good friendship/relationship” and how my interaction with him went from “sugar to shit in little to no time” … Although “twas a wonderful couple of days” for you bud, it was, indeed, a freight train headed to the land of nowhere to me.

This, sir, is a just a short list (just 10 things, two are general and I’m pretty sure you would have totally done them in the second week) of all the things you may want to avoid in the future. Need closure? Here you go fella… Hope this helps!

While browsing MySpace many, many years ago… Wait! That sounds a bit creepy… Technically, I was on the page of a friend when I stumbled across the best smile ever. I say it was the best smile because the “happy, happy, joy, joy” mantra of Ren and Stimpy instantly popped into my head. The guy behind the smile literally looked like the happiest person EVER! The smile was huge and I’m not sure why but it stopped me instantly. I’m sure I stared for a minute or so.

Now, I’m not the friendliest person in the world. Actually, I’d consider myself to be the least friendly out of all of my friends BUT there was something about his smile that made me want to know him. You know, be friendly… So, for the first time I can possibly remember, I reached out to a total stranger!! Well, I guess he wasn’t a complete stranger considering we had a friend in common…right? As I typed the message, I definitely thought about the possibilities of my early demise and becoming the lead story on a future episode of 48-hour mystery. I could see my parents and sister talking to Stone Phillips sad and confused as they individually questioned why I suddenly decided to be friendly. That would be my luck.

So, I sent a message to him to let him know how great of a smile I thought he had. Truths? Yes, I was hoping he would respond. I actually refreshed the message several times hoping he was online and would be as eager to reply to my message I was to let him know how great his smile was. Needless to say, there was no “instant message” back from the mystery smile guy. To prevent myself from breaking the mouse and not wonder IF he would respond, I logged out and shutdown my computer. This was way before cell phones had the capability to do more than just make a call so logging out meant just that.

I spent the remainder of my day wondering if this guy would respond. I wondered what he would say. I wondered what I would say if he responded. I don’t remember exactly how long it took him to respond but he did. It was a cheeky exchange. I think he complimented my smile as well, which started the conversation. At some point, we began talking on the phone. He was a lot of fun to talk to. We laughed a lot. We had our own thing. We were perfectly in sync. We both had unique personalities and we both seemed to be sensitive to the feelings of not just ourselves but others as well.