it’s been way too long since my last post. yeah, i know. maybe i’m a slacker at times. maybe i’ve been too busy living to sit down and finish a post. maybe i’ve been procrastinating on writing because i know i’ve got more to say than i wish to admit. truths? it’s a little bit of each of those things.

there’s a lot going on in my world. well, there’s always a lot going on which, honestly, is why i don’t post as often as i should. that’s really no excuse but it is what it is. i want to share some of it but i know if i write about the people in my life i need to make sure my words aren’t misunderstood. there’s someone i’d like to write about but i’m protective of those i care the most about so i definitely need think long and hard about pushing out a post specifically about this person… and make sure my words are understood prior to posting them. there’s a lot to this blog stuff. it’s not as easy as it may seem to sit and type thoughts on a laptop and push it out to the masses. it’s a pretty big deal.

anyway, i’ve got a ton on my mind today. so much so that i feel restless. my ears are ringing nonstop. my thoughts are all over the place. i’m hella stressed and uncertain about several things that matter… some may say i’m at a crossroads. some may look at my life and think i’m being dramatic. i really don’t care what anyone thinks at this point. i’m going to take a moment and put myself first for a change. let me start by unloading all the bullshit and random things on my mind…

the truth is rarely pure and simple
so go live your truth… whatever that may be and know it belongs solely to you because we are all unique in the way we move through the ebbs and flows of our so-called life. livlovelaugh-SIG

i know it’s been several minutes, hours, weeks, and months since my last post.  truth is… there’s a lot going on in my life.  i’ve got plenty to say and i will definitely share in the next coming weeks and months. …stay tuned!

first, i want to share this… for the last few months i contemplated moving out of my first home, getting a renter, and buying a second place.  i struggled with the thought of allowing someone, a stranger, to live in the one place i’ve lived in alone and belonging solely to me.

as i taped my final box and prepared for my last night in my first home i was overcome with a stream of emotions.  would he or she appreciate each piece of hardwood as i did?  would the unharmed walls remain immaculate?  would the pang of the heat or A/C turning on sound the same to him or her?  i doubt it but i had to let go of the thought of someone renting my place loving it as much as i have.  there is a ton of attachment to these walls.  this was MY VERY FIRST HOME!!

as i looked out of my bedroom door, i saw a sea of boxes covering my normally spotless, now cluttered home.  a true indication of the life i had and all I have done in the last 8 1/2 years. i walked in with a couch and a kitchen table. i realized i was leaving with a life i didn’t know i’d have… leaving as a respectable professional who worked her way up and has become someone’s boss.  i’m independent and focused.  i’ve got a great circle of friends.  i’ve acquired a strong support system with people i would have never thought would turn out to be my “go to gang” and i’ve maintained the most important friendships i’ve ever had…

There are so many memories in these walls… Good and bad

Friendship.

Who really knows what that means until they are faced with challenges, let downs, broken hearts, and unknowns…

Ever since high school there has been one friend who has ALWAYS been there. He has never sugar-coated his words, never tried to protect me from the truth. His sincerity has taught me the importance of honesty. His integrity has taught me the importance of staying true to myself. His consistency has taught me to become my dreams. His unconditional love and support has taught me the true value of friendship. I am thankful to have such a great friend and extension of support beyond my family.

Today, as I waited at a restaurant for a friend to arrive, I was asked why I am still single.  The conversation went like this…

Me : Ask him, and him, oh and him… Wait! Can’t forget about him.

The Guy: One of the “hims” needs to man up.

Me: Too late for those guys. The right one will come along one day.

The Guy: I hope so because it will be a shame if one doesn’t. I don’t know you but I’m good at spotting quality and you are beyond that. You carry yourself well. Very classy.

Me: Thanks. I try. I’m patient. No worries here. In time. One day.

A very short conversation with a stranger… For the record, he was married. LOL! I thought it was true to form for me though.  That’s the question I get ALL the time.  Married men always ask why I’m single. Single guys ask why I’m single. I ask why I’m single. I guess the answer to everyone, including myself, is simple…

my mind is going nonstop! so, i figured i’d write something before i head out for the evening to clear some of my mind traffic so i can focus on how fantastic i’m going to look in my dress.  🙂  moving on…

a few weeks ago a dear friend of mine sent me the following text:

“hey. do you think you could handle a relationship where the guy was completely honest? Completely”

my response:

“absolutely. in all honesty, being lied to always hurts more than the truth…period”

i thought about his question more throughout my day.  i even asked several women the same question as well as a few male friends. i wanted to know what other people thought about a truly transparent relationship. i was actually very surprised at the responses. i assumed the men would want to know but the women wouldn’t.  Shockingly, the responses were completely opposite of my assumption.  none of the men i asked wanted to know.  NONE! the women, however, wanted to know and seemed to value transparency within a relationship much more than men.

I’m a communicator by fault. I think sometimes it has to do with the fact that at a very young age I was an actress. I was on a Broadway stage when I was told to become one with my feelings and emotions. I was told to embrace my feelings at any given moment to better understand how different emotions made me feel.  I had to learn to cry on demand.  I had to cry on stage during each performance. So, as I‘ve grown and matured into adulthood, I’ve realized that I’ve got a constant need for emotional awareness.  I always want everyone in my life, with importance, to know how I feel about them or a situation.  Granted, a lot of times my thoughts may be unsolicited or opinions but if something were to happen to me today, tomorrow, or the next day, everyone who is close to me will know exactly how I feel about them. Right now. Today. At this moment.  And, quite frankly, I find it calming to know that those who are closest to me will always know how I feel.  Good. Bad. Otherwise.   I’m saying this simply because I was talking to a great friend of mine yesterday, mommy to Faheed, who reminded me of the importance of me expressing myself.

I’ll be honest.  I’ve got a lot going on at the moment.  I feel trapped in my thoughts because of fear of overly expressing myself.  Fear of losing someone because I responded honestly when asked how I felt… It’s tough.  It’s extremely difficult for me because I lost my voice several years ago like a caged bird…

I allowed myself to become silent and numb.  I spent many days, nights, and hours locked in my thoughts with no way out.  I became miserable dreading each day as I fell deeper and deeper into my silence.  I lost myself because I didn’t want to hurt the person I was with.  I didn’t want to leave him despite my unhappiness.  I didn’t want to leave someone I cared about.  It was tormenting to my soul.  My spirit began to wilt each day. I was stuck in the motion of just going through the motions.  My life had become a sad journey.  Everyone around me had an opinion.  Everyone around me kept asking, “Why are you still with him?” or “What is wrong with you?”  No one understood that I was paralyzed in that moment.  That relationship made me so numb that I couldn’t move.  I really couldn’t.  I didn’t know how to anymore.  My voice was gone.  My heart was hollow.  He wasn’t a bad person but he was a sad person.  He drained all of my happiness… every second, every minute, every hour… until I was empty.

i have a great friend who, by every definition, is truly my best friend.  he means more to me than i will ever be able to express with words or actions. he has been in my life for over half of my life and has been around for all of the ebbs and flows…  he’s heard me cry (too many times to count), he’s heard me laugh uncontrollably, he’s seen my most sincere smile and heard my most protected thoughts.  i love him dearly because he has never judged me…even when i was wrong (which was often).  he always answered my call…even after i hung up on him (because i didn’t want to hear the truth).  he’s irreplaceable and i miss him when we go through growing pains and don’t speak for weeks or months…