it’s been way too long since my last post. yeah, i know. maybe i’m a slacker at times. maybe i’ve been too busy living to sit down and finish a post. maybe i’ve been procrastinating on writing because i know i’ve got more to say than i wish to admit. truths? it’s a little bit of each of those things.

there’s a lot going on in my world. well, there’s always a lot going on which, honestly, is why i don’t post as often as i should. that’s really no excuse but it is what it is. i want to share some of it but i know if i write about the people in my life i need to make sure my words aren’t misunderstood. there’s someone i’d like to write about but i’m protective of those i care the most about so i definitely need think long and hard about pushing out a post specifically about this person… and make sure my words are understood prior to posting them. there’s a lot to this blog stuff. it’s not as easy as it may seem to sit and type thoughts on a laptop and push it out to the masses. it’s a pretty big deal.

anyway, i’ve got a ton on my mind today. so much so that i feel restless. my ears are ringing nonstop. my thoughts are all over the place. i’m hella stressed and uncertain about several things that matter… some may say i’m at a crossroads. some may look at my life and think i’m being dramatic. i really don’t care what anyone thinks at this point. i’m going to take a moment and put myself first for a change. let me start by unloading all the bullshit and random things on my mind…

i know it’s been several minutes, hours, weeks, and months since my last post.  truth is… there’s a lot going on in my life.  i’ve got plenty to say and i will definitely share in the next coming weeks and months. …stay tuned!

first, i want to share this… for the last few months i contemplated moving out of my first home, getting a renter, and buying a second place.  i struggled with the thought of allowing someone, a stranger, to live in the one place i’ve lived in alone and belonging solely to me.

as i taped my final box and prepared for my last night in my first home i was overcome with a stream of emotions.  would he or she appreciate each piece of hardwood as i did?  would the unharmed walls remain immaculate?  would the pang of the heat or A/C turning on sound the same to him or her?  i doubt it but i had to let go of the thought of someone renting my place loving it as much as i have.  there is a ton of attachment to these walls.  this was MY VERY FIRST HOME!!

as i looked out of my bedroom door, i saw a sea of boxes covering my normally spotless, now cluttered home.  a true indication of the life i had and all I have done in the last 8 1/2 years. i walked in with a couch and a kitchen table. i realized i was leaving with a life i didn’t know i’d have… leaving as a respectable professional who worked her way up and has become someone’s boss.  i’m independent and focused.  i’ve got a great circle of friends.  i’ve acquired a strong support system with people i would have never thought would turn out to be my “go to gang” and i’ve maintained the most important friendships i’ve ever had…

There are so many memories in these walls… Good and bad

I was kissed at birth, or some random moment in life prior to age 12, with the omen of migraines thanks to my mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and quite possibly my great-great grandmother.  I think it’s great to inherit things from your family…  I think it sucks when those things end up being migraines.  Make that up to 25 migraines per month.  Along with the migraines are various medications.  There was the one that made me sleepy almost immediately…  The one that temporarily paralyzed me…YES, I SAID PARALYZED!!! I couldn’t move for a few hours so I cried myself to sleep.  Then there was the one that made me sick to my stomach. Let’s not forget the one that makes people skinny…that would be great IF I was one who actually needed to lose weight.  Oh, and the one that I was told to take AFTER the other one didn’t work.  Needless to say, it all gets old…quick. A drawer full of pills I refuse to take.

I hate it when people down play migraines like it’s “just a headache” without knowing what it’s like to live with them. It’s not fun…ever! The pain can be unbearable. Getting through a day at the office can be torture. There are times I want to yank out the side of my head that hurts or, perhaps, bang the other side against a wall to possibly numb the constant throbbing.  I’m not saying this is a rational thought … I’m saying it’s my thought in the eye of a migraine.

If you don’t understand what I’m saying, do me a favor… Imagine having a conversation and you begin to stutter because your mouth is moving quicker than your brain can process your thoughts… Imagine standing up from a chair and you have to catch yourself because your balance of off… Imagine constantly feeling like someone is banging your head with a hammer as you walk… Imagine feeling the pain travel all over your head… Imagine having blurred vision and you don’t quite understand why so you blink your eyes over and over again thinking there’s gotta be something covering your eyes…

Imagine all that happening at once but it gets worse…. Now, there’s a numbness moving along the left side of your body. Your arms and legs are tingling and cold.   Your face begins to slouch on the left side…it’s going numb as well.  You can feel the tingling move from your ear to the center of your face.  As it moves, your face heats up like you are sitting by an open flame.

You end up in the ER with a group of people calling for the STROKE team.  You’ve got one person pulling your clothes off, one poking around your arm to find a vein for an IV, another taking your temperature and blood pressure, and few other folks asking you a ton of questions.  You’re speaking but everyone is looking at you with a concerned face because they don’t understand what you are saying.  You hear yourself speak and it doesn’t sound like the words you are trying to communicate.  You begin to cry as the pain continues to get worse.  You have no idea what anyone is saying because it’s all “doctor talk” and from the looks of the small army around you, you begin to think you are going to die.