I’m a communicator by fault. I think sometimes it has to do with the fact that at a very young age I was an actress. I was on a Broadway stage when I was told to become one with my feelings and emotions. I was told to embrace my feelings at any given moment to better understand how different emotions made me feel.  I had to learn to cry on demand.  I had to cry on stage during each performance. So, as I‘ve grown and matured into adulthood, I’ve realized that I’ve got a constant need for emotional awareness.  I always want everyone in my life, with importance, to know how I feel about them or a situation.  Granted, a lot of times my thoughts may be unsolicited or opinions but if something were to happen to me today, tomorrow, or the next day, everyone who is close to me will know exactly how I feel about them. Right now. Today. At this moment.  And, quite frankly, I find it calming to know that those who are closest to me will always know how I feel.  Good. Bad. Otherwise.   I’m saying this simply because I was talking to a great friend of mine yesterday, mommy to Faheed, who reminded me of the importance of me expressing myself.

I’ll be honest.  I’ve got a lot going on at the moment.  I feel trapped in my thoughts because of fear of overly expressing myself.  Fear of losing someone because I responded honestly when asked how I felt… It’s tough.  It’s extremely difficult for me because I lost my voice several years ago like a caged bird…

I allowed myself to become silent and numb.  I spent many days, nights, and hours locked in my thoughts with no way out.  I became miserable dreading each day as I fell deeper and deeper into my silence.  I lost myself because I didn’t want to hurt the person I was with.  I didn’t want to leave him despite my unhappiness.  I didn’t want to leave someone I cared about.  It was tormenting to my soul.  My spirit began to wilt each day. I was stuck in the motion of just going through the motions.  My life had become a sad journey.  Everyone around me had an opinion.  Everyone around me kept asking, “Why are you still with him?” or “What is wrong with you?”  No one understood that I was paralyzed in that moment.  That relationship made me so numb that I couldn’t move.  I really couldn’t.  I didn’t know how to anymore.  My voice was gone.  My heart was hollow.  He wasn’t a bad person but he was a sad person.  He drained all of my happiness… every second, every minute, every hour… until I was empty.

i have a great friend who, by every definition, is truly my best friend.  he means more to me than i will ever be able to express with words or actions. he has been in my life for over half of my life and has been around for all of the ebbs and flows…  he’s heard me cry (too many times to count), he’s heard me laugh uncontrollably, he’s seen my most sincere smile and heard my most protected thoughts.  i love him dearly because he has never judged me…even when i was wrong (which was often).  he always answered my call…even after i hung up on him (because i didn’t want to hear the truth).  he’s irreplaceable and i miss him when we go through growing pains and don’t speak for weeks or months…

So, after my initial post, not what I intended…, I received several calls and text messages from guys I’ve either gone on a date with, dated briefly, or spent substantial time with in a legit relationship. I was, shall I say, quite surprised at their interest in my blog and initial post. A few of the guys wanted to know if I would, at some point, post something about them. I must say… It was very interesting to know so many “ghosts” of my past read my blog but also had an interest in being the subject of a post. It didn’t seem very manly-man like to want someone to write about what “went wrong” but I’m guessing it’s also flattering regardless of the content…

There was one guy, in particular, who wanted to know if my next blog would be about “our deteriorating friendship” which I found interesting, as I wouldn’t have considered us to be friends… Can you really consider someone a friend, or anything more, after a few days? I mean, we are adults, right? We aren’t in elementary school. I’m not looking for a buddy to hang with at recess. Hell, I’m not looking for a buddy…PERIOD! I’ve got plenty of those. Who wants to be stuck in the friend zone, that is …if you can get to the friend zone…. So, here’s to the guy who is “curious as to the demise of what seemed to be a pretty good friendship/relationship” and how my interaction with him went from “sugar to shit in little to no time” … Although “twas a wonderful couple of days” for you bud, it was, indeed, a freight train headed to the land of nowhere to me.

This, sir, is a just a short list (just 10 things, two are general and I’m pretty sure you would have totally done them in the second week) of all the things you may want to avoid in the future. Need closure? Here you go fella… Hope this helps!

I was kissed at birth, or some random moment in life prior to age 12, with the omen of migraines thanks to my mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and quite possibly my great-great grandmother.  I think it’s great to inherit things from your family…  I think it sucks when those things end up being migraines.  Make that up to 25 migraines per month.  Along with the migraines are various medications.  There was the one that made me sleepy almost immediately…  The one that temporarily paralyzed me…YES, I SAID PARALYZED!!! I couldn’t move for a few hours so I cried myself to sleep.  Then there was the one that made me sick to my stomach. Let’s not forget the one that makes people skinny…that would be great IF I was one who actually needed to lose weight.  Oh, and the one that I was told to take AFTER the other one didn’t work.  Needless to say, it all gets old…quick. A drawer full of pills I refuse to take.

I hate it when people down play migraines like it’s “just a headache” without knowing what it’s like to live with them. It’s not fun…ever! The pain can be unbearable. Getting through a day at the office can be torture. There are times I want to yank out the side of my head that hurts or, perhaps, bang the other side against a wall to possibly numb the constant throbbing.  I’m not saying this is a rational thought … I’m saying it’s my thought in the eye of a migraine.

If you don’t understand what I’m saying, do me a favor… Imagine having a conversation and you begin to stutter because your mouth is moving quicker than your brain can process your thoughts… Imagine standing up from a chair and you have to catch yourself because your balance of off… Imagine constantly feeling like someone is banging your head with a hammer as you walk… Imagine feeling the pain travel all over your head… Imagine having blurred vision and you don’t quite understand why so you blink your eyes over and over again thinking there’s gotta be something covering your eyes…

Imagine all that happening at once but it gets worse…. Now, there’s a numbness moving along the left side of your body. Your arms and legs are tingling and cold.   Your face begins to slouch on the left side…it’s going numb as well.  You can feel the tingling move from your ear to the center of your face.  As it moves, your face heats up like you are sitting by an open flame.

You end up in the ER with a group of people calling for the STROKE team.  You’ve got one person pulling your clothes off, one poking around your arm to find a vein for an IV, another taking your temperature and blood pressure, and few other folks asking you a ton of questions.  You’re speaking but everyone is looking at you with a concerned face because they don’t understand what you are saying.  You hear yourself speak and it doesn’t sound like the words you are trying to communicate.  You begin to cry as the pain continues to get worse.  You have no idea what anyone is saying because it’s all “doctor talk” and from the looks of the small army around you, you begin to think you are going to die.

Laugh /laf/

verb – make the spontaneous sounds and movement of the face body that are instinctive expressions of lively amusement and sometimes also of contempt or derision.
noun – an act of laughing.

Life has its ebbs and flows, for sure. When things are great, smiles and laughter are constant and easy to push out. It’s always easy to laugh when life is good…when love is great. If you look around at people walking in the city, at dinner, in the car beside you at a stoplight…you can easily tell who’s happy and who isn’t. Poor body language and Blank stares. vs. Smiles and handholding. It’s obvious. I love to people watch for that reason. Happy people make me happy. It rubs off on me in an instant.