Note: I like to post open letters from time to time. These letters are specifically for the individual and no one else.  The words in these letters are my most sincere feelings during my writing process.  Who knows how long I’ll actually feel what write…all I know is this is how I feel right now…today…in this moment.  Tomorrow, next week, next month…who knows. I just know that TODAY I felt the need to write this.  UmmmmKay?  Just saying…

Laugh-ter.

ˈlaftər/
noun. the act or sound of laughing

Laughter is the key to happiness. Let’s face it folks, if we didn’t laugh we’d all be miserable! Life can only be lived if there’s laughter. We’ve got to laugh through joy and pain…always looking for the silver lining. In our most darkest moments it’s memories of laughter and smiles that bring us back. If we are having a bad day, it only takes that one smile or sound of laughter to turn the day around. You know, like when you hear a baby or small child laugh? That sound makes everything bad disappear, right?! Of course it does! Now, why am I saying all this about laughter??? Well, because until recently I didn’t really understand just how powerful laughter, smiles, and happy people were. Not until I met a particular person who, unknowingly, was just right and right on time…

the truth is rarely pure and simple
so go live your truth… whatever that may be and know it belongs solely to you because we are all unique in the way we move through the ebbs and flows of our so-called life. livlovelaugh-SIG

my mind is going nonstop! so, i figured i’d write something before i head out for the evening to clear some of my mind traffic so i can focus on how fantastic i’m going to look in my dress.  🙂  moving on…

a few weeks ago a dear friend of mine sent me the following text:

“hey. do you think you could handle a relationship where the guy was completely honest? Completely”

my response:

“absolutely. in all honesty, being lied to always hurts more than the truth…period”

i thought about his question more throughout my day.  i even asked several women the same question as well as a few male friends. i wanted to know what other people thought about a truly transparent relationship. i was actually very surprised at the responses. i assumed the men would want to know but the women wouldn’t.  Shockingly, the responses were completely opposite of my assumption.  none of the men i asked wanted to know.  NONE! the women, however, wanted to know and seemed to value transparency within a relationship much more than men.

I’m a communicator by fault. I think sometimes it has to do with the fact that at a very young age I was an actress. I was on a Broadway stage when I was told to become one with my feelings and emotions. I was told to embrace my feelings at any given moment to better understand how different emotions made me feel.  I had to learn to cry on demand.  I had to cry on stage during each performance. So, as I‘ve grown and matured into adulthood, I’ve realized that I’ve got a constant need for emotional awareness.  I always want everyone in my life, with importance, to know how I feel about them or a situation.  Granted, a lot of times my thoughts may be unsolicited or opinions but if something were to happen to me today, tomorrow, or the next day, everyone who is close to me will know exactly how I feel about them. Right now. Today. At this moment.  And, quite frankly, I find it calming to know that those who are closest to me will always know how I feel.  Good. Bad. Otherwise.   I’m saying this simply because I was talking to a great friend of mine yesterday, mommy to Faheed, who reminded me of the importance of me expressing myself.

I’ll be honest.  I’ve got a lot going on at the moment.  I feel trapped in my thoughts because of fear of overly expressing myself.  Fear of losing someone because I responded honestly when asked how I felt… It’s tough.  It’s extremely difficult for me because I lost my voice several years ago like a caged bird…

I allowed myself to become silent and numb.  I spent many days, nights, and hours locked in my thoughts with no way out.  I became miserable dreading each day as I fell deeper and deeper into my silence.  I lost myself because I didn’t want to hurt the person I was with.  I didn’t want to leave him despite my unhappiness.  I didn’t want to leave someone I cared about.  It was tormenting to my soul.  My spirit began to wilt each day. I was stuck in the motion of just going through the motions.  My life had become a sad journey.  Everyone around me had an opinion.  Everyone around me kept asking, “Why are you still with him?” or “What is wrong with you?”  No one understood that I was paralyzed in that moment.  That relationship made me so numb that I couldn’t move.  I really couldn’t.  I didn’t know how to anymore.  My voice was gone.  My heart was hollow.  He wasn’t a bad person but he was a sad person.  He drained all of my happiness… every second, every minute, every hour… until I was empty.

So, after my initial post, not what I intended…, I received several calls and text messages from guys I’ve either gone on a date with, dated briefly, or spent substantial time with in a legit relationship. I was, shall I say, quite surprised at their interest in my blog and initial post. A few of the guys wanted to know if I would, at some point, post something about them. I must say… It was very interesting to know so many “ghosts” of my past read my blog but also had an interest in being the subject of a post. It didn’t seem very manly-man like to want someone to write about what “went wrong” but I’m guessing it’s also flattering regardless of the content…

There was one guy, in particular, who wanted to know if my next blog would be about “our deteriorating friendship” which I found interesting, as I wouldn’t have considered us to be friends… Can you really consider someone a friend, or anything more, after a few days? I mean, we are adults, right? We aren’t in elementary school. I’m not looking for a buddy to hang with at recess. Hell, I’m not looking for a buddy…PERIOD! I’ve got plenty of those. Who wants to be stuck in the friend zone, that is …if you can get to the friend zone…. So, here’s to the guy who is “curious as to the demise of what seemed to be a pretty good friendship/relationship” and how my interaction with him went from “sugar to shit in little to no time” … Although “twas a wonderful couple of days” for you bud, it was, indeed, a freight train headed to the land of nowhere to me.

This, sir, is a just a short list (just 10 things, two are general and I’m pretty sure you would have totally done them in the second week) of all the things you may want to avoid in the future. Need closure? Here you go fella… Hope this helps!